treatment

Found out i'm going to residential treatment on monday.... I'm very nervous. I literally cannot fit this into my life right now, but i don't really have a choice... ahhhh

hopeless

So today i went to the doctors... yuck. and i gained.. a lot. like not the usual like half a pound but i gained like 6  pounds.. I'm so ashamed to even write that.. I hate myself. It took so much self-control for me to not run my car off the side of the road driving home from the doctors. I have an intake appointment with a treatment place on friday and i'm freaking out... how are they gonna take me seriously when i'm this fat? Like i honestly am so ashamed and so worried. I'm such a hopeless failure. On top of this my best friend took me to her lake house this past weekend (probably where i gained all the weight) and I literally like fell for this guy that has a house right near hers... Anyway he really liked me and i had such strong feelings for him yadayadayada and then my friend got really upset saying that she's liked him her whole life and I cant do this to her. Well anyway I'm so torn because I REALLY like him, but I don't want to hurt her. Ugh, I'm sorry this is essentially my thoughts just being regurgitated.

Alone

So my parents are celebrating their 20th anniversary in Bermuda. they left Friday and they won't be back until Thursday. For my entire life Sundays have always been the most stressful and worst days for me. Since my eating disorder and depression/anxiety issues began, I have called Sundays my "Sad days". Basically every Sunday I have a meltdown, get overwhelmingly anxious, or I'm just inexplicably sad. Maybe it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy that Sundays suck.... I get in in my head that they'll suck, and then they do.
       Anyway, today is no different, I'm having a sad day. I've binged and purged twice and I haven't held down any food yet today. I just feel so completely hopeless. I have a 15 page paper due tomorrow and I've only written 8 pages (all written today, whoops!) and I just have too many other school things to do. I only have like 4 more weeks of school but it is absolutely dragging on. This post is a bit jumpy, but last night I went on a date, mind you this is my first real date in almost three years... and I wasn't expecting him to feel me up and all that on our first date so I'm pretty pissed off and anxious. Clearly there's something wrong with me.. I'm supposed to enjoy this right? Not. I don't even know. All I know is that I'm so alone right now, I miss my mom so so so so much. I can't even call her because she's in a different country and her phone like won't accept calls from the US.
      Also last night at my date my friend Brianna came to pick me up because I left my car at her house after work, anyway... all I wanted to do was go home and sleep but she had to drive her cousin home from this carnival our town has every year. Basically he was stoned and slightly drunk and we had to babysit him in the car. So I was pissed about that. Then she made him sit outside for like an hour to sober up before she took him home... I'm not really a big drug person so I've never even heard of these but apparently there are these seed things that make you hallucinate.. So he had 10 and I was like really interested in the idea of them because when I'm depressed all I want is to drink or get high. So anyway he didn't want to give me any of his but he said he would go outside and buy some more off this kid and give them to me. Brianna was pissed at both of us haha (understandable) but anyway... So bri, ryan (her couz) and I went to go look for the kid and one thing led to another and a couple of guys from our school got mad at each other while we were looking for this kid. Anyway they were mad because one of them owed the other 15 bucks haha which is really insignifigant to have a fight over, but whatever. Anyway they were like punching and throwing eachother around and the cops came (how did they find out about this?) Basically me and bri just took Ryan and ran because he's been in trouble too much lately and if he got caught high and drunk, he would be suspended and i really don't even know what else. Anyway I was really freaking out at this point (I never do these bad things haha) and I called my friend mickaela and told her to pick me up... so she did and she took me to her house, let me drink her diet coke and eat candy and let me sleepover.. honestly I am so thankful for her.
       So basically right now I'm waiting for my grandma to come over (she has to drive 5 hours to get to my house) and then I need to find my sister because I have zero idea where she is, I haven't seen her since Friday morning and she won't answer her phone. Normally most people would be worried in this situation but I know that she's fine because she's Ria and she's always fine. And she's never home, so this doesn't surprise me at all. Anyway I need to go write my paper.... gahhh. wish me good luck !

Recently found this song.. it's written specifically about eating disorders (from what I can tell) but I think it applies to any illness or addiction. I especially love the parts where it says "Got so many scratches and scars, maybe they won't all go away, but they'll fade". I love how this can be taken literally and metaphorically. Literally in the sense that self- harm scars may never go away (I know mine never will) but they will physically fade just the same as bad things/memories will mentally fade as well. I really just think this song is full of hope and acknowledgement of all the difficult times people have gone through and commemorates them for getting through them and promising that things will get better in the future.

a little about me?

So the idea of starting a real blog other than tumblr is daunting to me, but I guess we'll see how this goes. So I guess I'll start with a little about me... my name is katie and I'm seventeen years old and I'm completely obsessed with music. I love to sing and listen to music and learn new songs, especially acappella songs, kind nerdy but at this point in my life I don't care if the things I enjoy are "weird". Hmm so I have one younger sister and two small dogs who I absolutely adore (I call them moo and may) haha. I'm a junior in high school and I push myself a lot in school... a lot of people consider the school I go to to be a pretty difficult and demanding.I don't really know if this is true because I've never really experienced any other high schools to compare it to, but nonetheless, I study and stress a lot. Besides school and choir, I have a job at an italian restaurant and it's pretty stressful... but at the same time I kind of enjoy the fast-paced atmosphere. I also have an amazing family (mom, dad, sister) and some of the best friends in the entire world. Basically from all that my life probably sounds just peachy and easy, but I've had my share of crap. I've struggled with an eating disorder for about 4 and a half years now as well as suffered from anxiety, depression, and several periods of time where I struggled with self-harm. Luckily I'm in a much better place than I used to be, however things with anxiety and my eating disorder are still difficult every single day. Anyway I guess a lot of this blog will be me ranting about my issues and things that are going on in my life and the occasional epiphany where I think I'm deep and intellectual. Most of this blog will be pretty boring for anyone else but hopefully writing it down and getting it all out of my head might benefit me in some way. Even if it doesn't maybe one thing I say on this page could benefit some person who I've never met before. So here goes nothing !